Learning to fight better, accept more, appreciate daily and stay in love with my husband

Posts tagged ‘sleep together’

My Obscure Husband in Great Shoes

Will I ever grow to fully understand this man who I have chosen to spend my life with?  I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that the answer is a resounding, No!  He is an endless list of things that I may never get.

I will never understand how he can dismiss any exercise other than basketball as not excercise at all.  A jog, lifting weights, the elliptical machine.  None of that counts to him.  If it is not a 3 hour round with sweat, testosterone and fist pumps it is just not worth the calorie burn. 

Husband, “Tam, I’m gonna go to the gym to play basketball.”

Tam, “Okay, but didn’t you go for a jog this morning?”

Husband, “Yeah, but that doesn’t count.”  

 If it doesn’t count than why do it?  I don’t get it!

I will never understand how when we go on a trip, his shoes take up a suitcase of their own.  I am the woman.  Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Basketball shoes, jogging shoes, comfortable shoes, dress shoes,  same shoes in several colors.   What is it with him and his shoes?  He can’t pass a Sketchers or a  Foot Locker at the mall without feeling some serious regret.   A pair of flip-flops and tennis shoes and I am good to go.  

I will never understand how Husband can hop out of bed the second the alarm goes off after a mere 5 hours of sleep.  Are you kidding me?  Hit the snooze, will ya?  I am an 8 hour a night kind of girl, and even then, I drag myself out of bed feeling a deep sadness over leaving the warmth of the covers and the sweetness of the quiet.  Not husband!  Loud morning music and singing in the shower is how he wakes up with me begging him to turn it down.  I mean really, there is just something wrong with someone being that energetic in the morning. 

I will never understand why he can set out to lose 5 lbs and  reach is goal in 3 days.  What is going on here?  To lose that same 5 lbs it takes me two months and severe deprivation.  Okay, maybe not severe, but going two weeks without french fries is a travesty.  Truly. 

I will never understand how he can be asleep the second his head hits the pillow.  What is up with this?  I lay there twiddling my thumbs, bitter at his peaceful sleep, listening to his heavy breathing.  Why does he breathe so heavy anyway?  What is he dreaming about?  Is it me or Brooklyn Decker?  And if it is Brooklyn Decker, who can blame him anyway?  Did he say she was hot?  No, that was me.  She is so hot!  How does she get her hair so shiny and stay in such great shape?  Ugh!!!  Counting sheep, 1, 2, 3 . . .  Why is he breathing so heavy?

He will always be a bit of a mystery to me.  But, if I understood everything about him married life would be boring. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage : Figure out what he is dreaming about!


My Sexy Experiment With “The 4 Hour Body”!

I want to supercede this post by letting you know that I am not trying to be tawdry in any way, but I do feel that sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage.  So I can’t help but feel the need to share with you how date night went for me this week.  In one word, Unforgettable!

My husband is a big fan of Tim Ferriss, author of the “4 Hour Workweek”.  He talks about it all the time and asked for the extended audiobook for Christmas.   So when he told me that Tim Ferriss had come out with a new book called the “The 4 Hour Body”, I knew I needed to get it for him.

I came across it a few weeks ago while shopping.  It is enormous!   It would cause some serious damage if you were hit over the head with it.  I thought about putting it back on the shelf and walking away.  I mean, who wants to read that many pages on exercise and nutrition?  No thanks!  But, before I put it back I read the front cover and table of contents.   There is a whole chapter about improving sex.  I thought, “Okay this could be interesting.” So I bought it for the hubby.

Since the night I brought it home, a couple of weeks ago, Hubby has been reading it every day.  He is completely hooked.

Tim Ferriss is an interesting man.  He is a  master at self experimentation.  His book has very detailed descriptions on how to get the body that you desire with tried and true testimony from Tim himself.  It is fascinating really.

My husband wanted me to read a particular chapter that he found really interesting on using kettlebells in your exercise routine.  I had never even heard of a kettlebell, but I enjoyed the chapter enough to flip through the rest of the book to look at the other chapter titles.

There is a whole chapter on improving sex complete  with very detailed pictures, and that night just so happened to be date night.  Perfect!

So our date night consisted of my husband reading, out loud to me, that particular chapter.  But it wasn’t enough just to read it, we needed to test the theories.

Without going into too much detail, let me just say we had a wonderful date night. It was sexy, sweet, and highly surprising.  Unlike anything we have ever done before.

Don’t get me wrong, our sex life is awesome!  I am often shocked that after all these years I can still feel the passion that I do for my husband.  Neither of us feel lacking in any way.  However, what I learned from reading this book, and trying out the methods, is that there is always room for improvement.  How wonderful a feeling to realize that we love each other enough to want to get better at loving each other.  To try new positions, to talk about it, to make myself unbelievably vulnerable. It all served to bring us  closer.

In fact the next day, all I could think about was what happened the night before.  A little unusual for me.

I also learned that if Tim Ferriss was right about his sex theories, maybe I should pay attention to the other chapters.  I better run out and get those kettlebells, right now!

I strongly recommend to all couples, to try something new in the bedroom (or somewhere different for a change.)   Try a new position, a new technique, get a book, talk, get comfortable saying what you like and don’t like, and improve your skills.  Sex should never be boring.  It should always have an element of connection, passion and newness.

If you are needing a little spark in the bedroom or you are just feeling a little adventurous, I recommend picking up a copy of this book and head right to the chapter on improving sex.

Practice makes perfect!  Have fun.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Practice, practice, practice!

He Will Never Change!

For as long as I can remember, my husband and I have had the same fights.  I mean, we fight about a lot of things, but there are two things that we always fight about.

Money and sex.  Do you fight about them too?

I am going to leave the sex argument for another time.  Today, let’s talk money.

Let’s first address our very different “money” backgrounds.

My husband grew up with his brother and his single mother.  His mom worked and struggled to make ends meet.  At one point, for a short time, they were on welfare.  He didn’t get new things. Didn’t have the toys the other kids have.  Christmas and birthdays were meager in gifts.  Money struggles were at the forefront of his life at a very young age. His grandfather, who was his father figure for much of his life, saved every penny.  This is no exaggeration. He literally saved everything.   When he died he had amassed over a million dollars in savings.  I had no idea he had that kind of money.  By the way he lived, I thought he had been struggling financially.  Quite the contrary.  He was rich, but chose to live poor and put it all in savings.

I, on the other hand, lived with both my parents.  They both had good jobs.  Money worries never crossed my mind when I was young.  We weren’t rich, but had all of our needs met.  I got new school clothes every year.  We went out for meals often.  We traveled and I always brought home souvenirs.  Christmas and Birthdays were full of gifts. When I wanted to go to the movies, I would ask my dad for money.  He would always give it to me.  I was spoiled, I suppose.  Not in a bratty way, but in a naive “I don’t know any better” kind of way.

Bring these two backgrounds together and look out!!!!  My husband doesn’t spend enough money and I spend too much.  At least this is how we see each other.

The truth is, as a couple we have never hurt financially.  We own businesses and work hard.  We have money in the bank and savings.  We get to travel and have a nice house.  We have never had a time where we didn’t have enough.  Regardless of that, we still fight about our funds.  My husband often acts like we are poor.   When I go out to lunch it makes him crazy.  When I bring in grocery bags he has a look like, “how much did you spend now,” which drives me crazy.  He is often in a panic, and I mean a real panic, over our money.  His worst fear is loosing it all, often to the point of lack of sleep and shortness of breath.  I am usually the logical one in our finances. Pointing out what is really the situation, not what is made up in my husbands head.   He knows that his fears are unfounded, but nonetheless we still fight and he still panics.

One day, last year, I’d had enough.  We were fighting about the fact that I was going to spend money on a gift for someone in the family.  I can’t remember who, but I do remember it was going to be about $40.00.  All he had to do was get that look on his face, and I was in tears.  Really? Were we going to fight about a family gift? One that I had cash for, that is a very reasonable amount? Really? Again?

I remember thinking, “I can’t keep doing this.  Why can’t he just change?  Be more like me?”

I got up and stomped away to the bathroom in tears.  As I was taking a shower, I had an epiphany.  A real, true epiphany.  Here is what occurred to me in a very matter of fact realization.   He is never going to change.

I was either going to have to live with him as he was, or give up. Giving up was out of the question.

He has always been the same man with the same fears, that clearly stem from his upbringing.  He was never going to change.  I realized that I had, unknowingly, been the cliché wife “hoping” her husband would change.  How silly I was being?  How unfair to him!

After my shower, I went back into the room and gently told him what I had realized.  That he is who he is and that I love him for who he is.  I said that I understand why he worries and that I know that his fear over loosing money is why we have such a nice life.   It is because of him and I am grateful for that.

Acceptance.  It is a key part of marriage, I have learned.

After this epiphany, our fights about money have diminished significantly.  I have taken a completely different approach to fighting.  I go to a place of understanding and acceptance.  Does it mean that he is always right?  No Way!  Does it mean I just give up the fight?  Absolutely not!  What it means is, instead of saying, “Why do you have to be that way. Why can’t you change?”  I try to say, “I understand that you are worried that we will lose our money.  I understand how important savings is to you.”    As much as I don’t like it, it is a part of who he is that will not change.     If I can accept my husband for who he is, truly understand why he feels the way he does, then I can fight better.  I can come from a place of understanding rather than blame and anger.

Guess what?  When I do, he feels heard and understood and not  as defensive.  He feels more apt to compromise on an issue.  Wow!!!

Am I perfect at my new method?  Of course not.  I slip up often.  But, somewhere along the path of an argument, I find my way back.  I remember that I love my husband with all my heart.  That he is a good man, just trying to look out for the best interests of his family.  That he wants to be heard and understood and valued, just as I do.  That we can work this out.  And we do.


Do You Sleep Together?

I was flipping through one of my magazines this morning while enjoying a moment of peace over my oatmeal.  I came across an article on how couples sleep together.    Do they go to sleep at the same time, share the same bed, do they sleep cuddled together or facing away from each other?  What does the way we sleep say about us as a couple?

This was interesting to me.  Movies show us that a couple who is in love is spooned together in bed or the woman is sleeping on the man’s chest.  Sweet right?  This is what love looks like… right?

Wrong!  At least in my marriage, this is not the case.  But, I have always felt a little guilty about the sleeping habits in my marriage.

My husband and I are very different in more ways than I can count, but one of our major differences is in our sleeping habits.  He is a late night guy, I struggle to keep my eyes open past 10:30.  I wake up at the faintest noise, he sleeps through 5.5 magnitude earthquakes.  I have nightmares often, he rarely dreams at all.  He sleeps on his stomach, I sleep on my side.   He falls asleep 2 seconds after his head hits the pillow, it takes me 15 minutes to get in sleep mode.  I need at least 8 hours to function well, he can easily function on 5 hours of shut-eye.

Sleep is vital to me.  I am not a nice person when I don’t get my sleep.

Because of the fact that I am a light sleeper, falling asleep all cuddled together is just not for me.  If I am not positioned just so, I am uncomfortable and sleep eludes me.  Sorry, baby!

Thankfully my husband understands.  It doesn’t bother him.  To make up for it, I let him fall asleep holding my hand or with his arm drapped over me, but the second he is asleep (literally in seconds) I turn away and get cozy.

Does this mean our relationship is bad? That we are not as intimate as we could be?    I think the contrary.   Respecting each other needs is vital.  I respect his need to feel close to me and he respects my need to get a good nights sleep.

Really, it is for his own good.  Heaven help the household with an un-rested Mama.  If Mama is tired, everybody look out!!!

Intimacy is a huge part of our relationship, just not while we are sleeping.  It works for us.

This made me curious about what works for other couples.  Are sleeping arrangements a problem in your marriage or have you figured a system that works for both of you?  One that meets each other’s needs, but keeps you connected?

Just curious.