Learning to fight better, accept more, appreciate daily and stay in love with my husband

Posts tagged ‘excercise’

My Pity Party In the Closet

Lately I have been standing center stage with the spotlight blinding me at my own pity party. There are only two people on the invite list, myself and my husband.  And my husband wishes he could just ignore the invite all together.  It is embarrassing to say, but it is true.

I am not sure what is up.  I just think that sometimes the stars align just right. They align in perfect order so that I can look at them and find everything wrong with the world.  Just in line to turn a normally positive and optimistic girl into a pessimistic stranger.

That is me.  The unrecognizable girl, laying in her husband’s lap in the closet, bawling for no real apparent reason, unable to pick herself up off the floor.

The stress of a bad business decision, unknown finances, an excess 10lbs that wasn’t there last year,  the undeniable stress of work and parenthood.  Stacking on top of each other all at once and, WHAM!  The once strong and happy woman of yesterday is the dark cloud of today.

I know that regardless of my list of excuses, sitting in the closet checking off all that is wrong is ridiculous.  In my moments of clarity I know that.   I know that I am quite capable of getting up off of the floor, dusting the carpet lint of my clothes and wiping the mascara smudges off my face.   In the heat of the moment though, I need to be reminded.

In comes husband, who provides his clothes as a snot rag, his lap as a pillow and his hands to move the hair out of my face.  Soothing and listening. Reminding me that I am better than this.

When I said, “I don’t know what to do.”  He replied, “Just start with what you do know.”   That simple statement stuck.  Start with what I know.

What did I know?  I knew I needed to get up off the floor.  I knew I needed a little time to myself and I knew I needed to move my body some so that I could start to feel good again.  That is all I knew, but it was enough.

I am still short-tempered and falling into tears easier than usual, but everyday is a new day.  I set new exercise goals, ones simple enough to do with minimal effort.  I cut some pages out of a magazine for inspiration and posted them on my closet wall where I can see them everyday.  I asked my husband to take over with children a couple of nights a week, so I can have some peace to think, I started writing in my daily accountability journal again.  Little steps that move me in the right direction.

Through all of this, there is one thing that I found easy gratitude for.  My marriage.  I am so grateful that husband and I have spent so much energy strengthening our marriage.  What would happen if our marriage was rocky on top of all of the stress that my meltdown has put on us?  It could be disastrous.

But, all of the work we have done has helped prepare us for times like these.  It has given us a real foundation that keeps us balanced when it feels everything else is going to crumble.  That foundation boosts me.  It gives me hope.  It reminds me that I have done something right. . . . .  A strong, loving, supportive, forgiving marriage.  That definitely has to count for something right?

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Keep up the hard work.  It will pay off in ways you can’t imagine

photo credit: Evil Erin via photopin cc

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The Alien in My Bed

I am beginning to think that men really are from Mars.  I find it fascinating that after nearly 14 years of marriage and over 23 years together, my husband is still alien to me.

I have been in a very strange depressive funk this week.  Something fairly rare to me.  I am usually a pretty easy going and predictable person.  That was not the case this week.

My body hurts and it has taken a mental toll.  I have been at a one woman pity party for the past 7 days.  It is bizarre to me.  To not feel like myself.  To not even feel human.  I feel out of my body, looking down at some woman I don’t recognize.  It is weird and a little freaky.

If it is freaky to me, you can only imagine how my husband has taken it.  He thinks I have been abducted and replaced with some overly emotional negative being that looks a little like his wife.

Through this week, I have learned something about my husband.  He is a fixer.  I think it is a man thing.  The second something is awry  he feels the need to make it right as fast as possible.  I can respect and appreciate that about him.

But sometimes,  things don’t need to be fixed, they just need a hug.

In one of my self pity rants I start crying about how my body is not what I want it to be.  How I feel enormous and unattractive.  My husband immediately goes into details of what excercise I should be doing or how I should cut out soda.

In response, my eyes bugged out and I felt my head start to spin.  I yell at him, “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen.”

I might as well have been talking Greek.  I could see him thinking, “What do you mean don’t fix it?  That is what I do.  If I am not supposed to fix it, then what the hell am I supposed to do? Just sit here and listen to you bitch and moan?”

YES!!!!

I admit, I have been a royal pain in the butt this week.  Something I can ‘t really explain, but I know it has taken it’s toll on my husband and my relationship.

Over the weekend, he decided to brave the rough waters and broach the subject again.  Basically, what is going on with me and where is his wife?

I told him talking to him is hard because he is not a very good listener.  Hurtful to him, but truly how I felt in that moment.  He just wants to fix it and that pisses me off.

After going back and forth about it for about an hour and feeling like this is not going anywhere, he decided to try a different approach.  He came over and put his arms around me.

The second he did that, the flood gates opened.

I crumbled into a sobbing mess and he just held me.  He didn’t offer an opinion or a get better tip.  He just held me quietly and let it all come out.  I won’t tell you how ridiculous I sounded.  Let’s just say it was not one of most shining moments.

But, I was so greatful in that moment.  To have such a wonderful husband that could still love me and try to give me what I needed even though I was mean to him and spoke in a language he didn’t understand.   Really who could blame him for not understanding how to handle someone like me.  I can’t even handle me.

But through it all, I have learned to be clear about what it is that I need.  I think he has learned that sometimes trying to fix it won’t help.  Listening can offer it’s own fix.  Feeling heard and supported is a valuable gift.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Maybe it is not my husband who is alien, but ME!!!!!   Poor guy.

My Obscure Husband in Great Shoes

Will I ever grow to fully understand this man who I have chosen to spend my life with?  I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that the answer is a resounding, No!  He is an endless list of things that I may never get.

I will never understand how he can dismiss any exercise other than basketball as not excercise at all.  A jog, lifting weights, the elliptical machine.  None of that counts to him.  If it is not a 3 hour round with sweat, testosterone and fist pumps it is just not worth the calorie burn. 

Husband, “Tam, I’m gonna go to the gym to play basketball.”

Tam, “Okay, but didn’t you go for a jog this morning?”

Husband, “Yeah, but that doesn’t count.”  

 If it doesn’t count than why do it?  I don’t get it!

I will never understand how when we go on a trip, his shoes take up a suitcase of their own.  I am the woman.  Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Basketball shoes, jogging shoes, comfortable shoes, dress shoes,  same shoes in several colors.   What is it with him and his shoes?  He can’t pass a Sketchers or a  Foot Locker at the mall without feeling some serious regret.   A pair of flip-flops and tennis shoes and I am good to go.  

I will never understand how Husband can hop out of bed the second the alarm goes off after a mere 5 hours of sleep.  Are you kidding me?  Hit the snooze, will ya?  I am an 8 hour a night kind of girl, and even then, I drag myself out of bed feeling a deep sadness over leaving the warmth of the covers and the sweetness of the quiet.  Not husband!  Loud morning music and singing in the shower is how he wakes up with me begging him to turn it down.  I mean really, there is just something wrong with someone being that energetic in the morning. 

I will never understand why he can set out to lose 5 lbs and  reach is goal in 3 days.  What is going on here?  To lose that same 5 lbs it takes me two months and severe deprivation.  Okay, maybe not severe, but going two weeks without french fries is a travesty.  Truly. 

I will never understand how he can be asleep the second his head hits the pillow.  What is up with this?  I lay there twiddling my thumbs, bitter at his peaceful sleep, listening to his heavy breathing.  Why does he breathe so heavy anyway?  What is he dreaming about?  Is it me or Brooklyn Decker?  And if it is Brooklyn Decker, who can blame him anyway?  Did he say she was hot?  No, that was me.  She is so hot!  How does she get her hair so shiny and stay in such great shape?  Ugh!!!  Counting sheep, 1, 2, 3 . . .  Why is he breathing so heavy?

He will always be a bit of a mystery to me.  But, if I understood everything about him married life would be boring. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage : Figure out what he is dreaming about!

Bringing Sexy Back

Here is what I know for sure.  Life is a constant lesson in progress.  This week I want to focus on a touchy subject, weight.  My weight to be specific.

As many people I know, (now that I think about it, all of the people I know) weight is a constant issue and focus. At any given time, I am either feeling bad about my weight, trying to lose pregnancy weight (for the last 4 years), trying to maintain weight, battling lack of motivation, or  I am trying to suppress a severe lack of desire to excercise.

Sound familiar?

This year I put back on the 8 lbs I lost last year.  To some that will sound like a lot, to some very little.  For me, it is a lot.  Really, it is not even about the scale.  I am not so much into focusing on reaching a certain number. What matters to me is how I feel.

How do I feel lately?  Not so great.  I have let some things go this year, and it shows.

So here is the question, what does my weight have to do with my marriage?  Well, a lot.

I have the sweetest husband.  He is full of compliments.  Always tells me how beautiful I am or how sexy he thinks I am.   He seems to desire me regardless of what the scale shows.   Baffling sometimes, to be honest. How he can think my ass is sexy when I think of it as my worst features is beyond me.  I am grateful nonetheless.

Much to his dismay, no matter how much he compliments me, it doesn’t change how I feel about myself.  My confidence comes from within and even though I value what he says, so much, I know that what is most important is how I feel about myself.

Earlier this year.  I felt good.  I was exercising regularly, eating well (not dieting, just making good choices).  I felt good in my clothes and when I looked in the mirror.    All of this equates to confidence which equates to a much sexier wife.  There is nothing hotter to my husband than when I feel good about myself.   I am more playful. I don’t try to hide certain parts of my body as I hustle, naked, to the shower.  I flaunt and flirt.

Not sexy, is when I try to walk backwards so as not to show my backside, or when I sweetly negate every complement my husband throws my way.

It is not a number.  It is a feeling.

I believe in the saying, “love the skin you’re in.”  But, I also believe that in order to love that skin, you must take care of it and do what makes you feel good about yourself.  For me, I feel much more confident when I eat right and move.

I think that we all know that place where we feel our best.   Whether it is 10 lbs heavier, 30 lbs lighter, a size 12, fitting back into those pre-pregnancy jeans, or right where you are at.  Wherever that is, is where we want to be.

So why do most of us have such a hard time getting to that place?  I don’t know.  I think it is a conspiracy from the fast food places to make their french fries completely irresistible and by Dove chocolate to cleverly sweet talk its way into my pantry.

It is time to find my way back to the girl who feels good about her body.  That puts priority on what makes her feel more confident  in herself.  That wants to dance naked in the daylight and strut confidently by my husband’s adoring eyes, bare butt and all.

There will always be things that I don’t particularly care for about my body.  We all have those body parts that we would seriously consider trading in, if given the chance.  But it is my body, for better or worse.  So I might as well make the best of it.

I want my sexy back.  My husband will thank me for it.  Not because I am lighter or fitter, but because I am more confident in my self.

I have always worked well with taking things one step at a time.  Small changes equate to big changes if you stick to them over long periods of time.  Step one for me is to move!  Just exercising for 20 – 30 minutes a day a few days a week does a world of difference for my confidence.  My mood is better and I feel sexier and more confident in myself.

Time to strap on those tennis shoes and get this body moving again!  Any type of movement, at this point will do.

I will report back and let you know how it is going.

In the meantime, what do you do to take care of your body?  How does your confidence affect your marriage?

Marriage Lesson for Today – Take care of your body. Your confidence and marriage will thank you for it.

Tammy