Learning to fight better, accept more, appreciate daily and stay in love with my husband

Archive for the ‘sex’ Category

You Can Be Right (or you can be married)

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That is the title of the book that is currently sitting on my nightstand.

I recently had a small epiphany.  I realized that I talk a lot about my marriage and I spend a lot of time and energy working to make it the best that I can, but I have been missing something. Books!  I had not read one single book on the subject.

Now, I do realize that just because it is written in a book certainly doesn’t mean that it is fact, but there is definitely something to be said about learning what the “experts”, or non-experts for that matter, are saying on the topic.

So I hit the local Barnes and Noble and started my hunt for my first book on “marriage.”  Since I didn’t know what I was looking for, I simply looked for titles that caught my eye.  After a few minutes of searching I came across one that definitely grabbed my attention.  It is titled, “You can be right (or you can be married). ”   Great title and great cover.  I bought it on site without even cracking the cover and, let me say, I am glad that I did.

This is a book written by Dana Adam Shapiro, a man on a mission to find out why his relationships never make it to the Honeymoon. His mission took him on a 4 year journey interviewing people who have been thru divorce in hopes to learn from the errors of their ways and attempt to avoid those mistakes in his own relationships.  What a great concept!

This is a candid and sometimes graphic look into other people’s marriages spoken thru their own words.  He interviewed hundreds of people and put the interviews into this book in a dictation type format.  Because the names are protected thru aliases, the interviews are frank, honest and often no holds bar.

It is fascinating to get a glimpse into the lives of others.  To hear first hand what their secrets might be, what regrets they have, what lessons they have (or sometimes haven’t) learned.

Growing up, we don’t get an education in relationships. There are no classes offered on building healthy relationships in high school. Such a shame since our relationships are the foundation of our lives.  Relationships with parents, friends, co-workers, bosses, spouses….

With regards to love, our lessons come from watching our parents.  Watching their marriage or divorce, paying attention to how they communicate, how they fight or face challenges.  If you were lucky enough to have good role models in that arena, you might be among the few.  Many of us come from ugly divorces or from parents who, maybe, should have gotten a divorce.

When it comes to learning how to develop healthy relationships, many of us are on our own.  It is a process of trial and error.  Sometimes with the same person, sometimes not. What I do realize, though, is that it is incredibly valuable to learn from other people’s experiences.  Whether it be from your parents or complete strangers, we all have so much to learn, but so much to teach as well.

That is what I appreciated about this book.  The ability to learn from someone else’s failed marriage.  What did or didn’t work?  Looking back, what would they have done differently?  What  lessons have they taken with them into their other relationships to avoid the same outcome?

One thing that I found interesting, is the similarities in the lessons that were learned and the underlying themes that rang true in so many of the interviews. Things that so many of the divorcees confessed to being vital to a marriage’s success; respect, communication, acceptance, a healthy sex life, a sense of newness and excitement. Through all of the various stories of failed marriages, so many of the mistakes are similar. So many of the lessons were the same.

If you are looking for an interesting read on how to improve you marriage, this just might be a good pick. Listening to other people’s regrets and mistakes can be the best education of all. Truly!

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage: Learn from others’ successes and (sometimes more valuable) their failures.

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How to Make a Marriage Last!

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“How to Make a Marriage Last”

That was the title of a small article in the February edition of Redbook magazine.  Of course it caught my eye.  How do you make a marriage last?

This little article was simply a handful of tips from couples that have been together since they were teenagers.  Hubby and I have been together, exclusively, since we were 14 years old.  I couldn’t wait to hear what these other couples, with stories similar to mine, had to offer about the secret of a lasting marriage.

There were two pieces of advice that I really liked that I wanted to share with you.  They are lessons I have learned in my own marriage.

The first was from a couple that had been together since they were 17 years old.  They said, “Prioritize time for yourselves. My husband’s hobby is running and mine is performing stand-up comedy.  We plan vacations around his marathons, and he attends all of my shows.  We love our date nights, but everyone needs something that matters just to them.”

As I am approaching 15 years of marriage, I have come to realize the importance of this in my own marriage.  It is so easy to lose your own identity as you try to please everyone around you, especially your spouse.  In the last couple of years, I have tried to be more supportive of my husband’s hobby of playing basketball.  It is extremely important to him to get a few times a week to go to the gym and hit a pick up game.   He loves it!  Who am I to deny him of time that makes him so happy?   Now, I will often push him out the door.  He deserves time for himself.

I have also discovered my own need for time to do something, all of my own, as well.   It feels so good to do something just for me sometimes.  For the past year, my sister and I have been taking a hip hop class once a week and just recently I signed up for a weekly guitar class.  I love them both so much!  It is time, just for me.  For personal growth that is all my own.

I agree with the couple.  It is vital to have something of your own, that is supported by your spouse and that makes you happy.  You are a part of a couple, but you are still you. . .  an individual.  Do something, just for you!

The other piece of advice that I liked came from a couple who had been together since they were 16.  They said, ” Act like your marriage is a job.  Treat it as if you were climbing the corporate ladder.  Address your challenges, work overtime when needed, and plan meetings to discuss how you’re doing.  It’s the most important gig you’ll ever have.”

I love this, because it is so true.  It seems people work their tails off to be good at their jobs, to get the good review, promotion or raise.  Being successful at marriage, takes the same principles.  It is hard work.  That is the bottom line.   I have realized that if I want my marriage to be awesome, then I have to really work at it.  I have to give it attention, I have to work thru problems and get better. I have to talk about what is or isn’t working so that I know how or what to improve on.  Just as in a job, if you stop working at it, then the promotions and raises stop coming.   Even though it can be exhausting at times, working at my marriage continuously has the most incredible payoff.  It is the best kind of promotion!

Today’s lessons in improving my marriage:   Continue to take time for my self doing things that make me happy and never stop working hard at my marriage.  Thanks Redbook! http://www.redbookmag.com/

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My Pity Party In the Closet

Lately I have been standing center stage with the spotlight blinding me at my own pity party. There are only two people on the invite list, myself and my husband.  And my husband wishes he could just ignore the invite all together.  It is embarrassing to say, but it is true.

I am not sure what is up.  I just think that sometimes the stars align just right. They align in perfect order so that I can look at them and find everything wrong with the world.  Just in line to turn a normally positive and optimistic girl into a pessimistic stranger.

That is me.  The unrecognizable girl, laying in her husband’s lap in the closet, bawling for no real apparent reason, unable to pick herself up off the floor.

The stress of a bad business decision, unknown finances, an excess 10lbs that wasn’t there last year,  the undeniable stress of work and parenthood.  Stacking on top of each other all at once and, WHAM!  The once strong and happy woman of yesterday is the dark cloud of today.

I know that regardless of my list of excuses, sitting in the closet checking off all that is wrong is ridiculous.  In my moments of clarity I know that.   I know that I am quite capable of getting up off of the floor, dusting the carpet lint of my clothes and wiping the mascara smudges off my face.   In the heat of the moment though, I need to be reminded.

In comes husband, who provides his clothes as a snot rag, his lap as a pillow and his hands to move the hair out of my face.  Soothing and listening. Reminding me that I am better than this.

When I said, “I don’t know what to do.”  He replied, “Just start with what you do know.”   That simple statement stuck.  Start with what I know.

What did I know?  I knew I needed to get up off the floor.  I knew I needed a little time to myself and I knew I needed to move my body some so that I could start to feel good again.  That is all I knew, but it was enough.

I am still short-tempered and falling into tears easier than usual, but everyday is a new day.  I set new exercise goals, ones simple enough to do with minimal effort.  I cut some pages out of a magazine for inspiration and posted them on my closet wall where I can see them everyday.  I asked my husband to take over with children a couple of nights a week, so I can have some peace to think, I started writing in my daily accountability journal again.  Little steps that move me in the right direction.

Through all of this, there is one thing that I found easy gratitude for.  My marriage.  I am so grateful that husband and I have spent so much energy strengthening our marriage.  What would happen if our marriage was rocky on top of all of the stress that my meltdown has put on us?  It could be disastrous.

But, all of the work we have done has helped prepare us for times like these.  It has given us a real foundation that keeps us balanced when it feels everything else is going to crumble.  That foundation boosts me.  It gives me hope.  It reminds me that I have done something right. . . . .  A strong, loving, supportive, forgiving marriage.  That definitely has to count for something right?

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Keep up the hard work.  It will pay off in ways you can’t imagine

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I Have A Crush!

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I recently read an article in October edition of Redbook Magazine titled, ” Get Ready to Crush on your Husband.”  The title sold me.  I was in!

It talked about things that you can do to revisit that spark that you felt for your spouse in the beginning.  It made me think back to our beginning and reminisce about the things that started my crush in the first place.  Granted, when my crush started I was going thru puberty, but regardless there were certain things that made my heart race.

I remember, way back then, being crazy about his hugs.  My husband gives great hugs.  They are not half-assed hugs.  They are both arms wrapped around, body close, head tucked close to mine, tight squeeze kind of hugs.  They used to make my knees go weak.

I remember crushing on him because of his sense of humor.  He was always silly.  He knew how to bring a lightness to a room.  He was always joking.  He would do things that would make me shrink with embarrassment and laugh at the same time.

I remember having a crush because of his energy.  My husband is the kind of guy that can walk into a room and people look.  He draws people to him.  He always has.  He can bring a power and buzz to a room and make it shine brighter without even trying.

I definitely had a crush over his looks.  He was a hottie, at least in my eyes, way back in our Freshman year in high school. I remember thinking, Wow!  How did a guy like him, pick a girl like me?   I felt so  lucky.

What happens is, thru the years, you lose sight of all of those things that made you have a crush on the man to begin with. Not only that, but many of the things that you used to find attractive, now can be completely ignored or can make you absolutely crazy.

How often to I pay attention to his hugs?  Do find his silliness attractive?  Do I laugh at what I used to find adorably funny.  Do I notice when he walks into the room?

The article talks about how even after so many years together, you can still get that feeling of butterflies at strange and unexpected moments.  The point is, when that happens,  make sure you pay attention.

Since reading the article, I have thought a lot about the whole crush thing.  I realized that I get this feeling all of the time these days. It can be from taking in a good deep breath of how good he smells, to watching him on the floor playing with our son, to taking in a certain way he looks at me with his incredible blue eyes, or watching him walk toward me across a room with his goofy little grin.

It seems that the key to keeping the butterflies is to not only notice the moments he makes my heart beat a little faster, but to make sure I don’t let it pass without acting on it, or at the very least sharing my feeling with hubby.  He should know that he can still make me feel like a teenager with crush.

Just after I read the article, my husband went to run an errand.  He took the Jeep.  The Jeep is our favorite car.  In the summer, he takes the top and the doors off of it.  I was watching thru the window as he hopped in.   He put on his shades, turned up the music and sped out of the driveway.   All I could think was, “Damn, that Jeep looks good on him.”  He looked so sexy driving away in that car.  He looked young and free and so hot! And, I made sure to tell him so when he got back.

Today’s Lesson In Improving My Marriage: Yeah, I still got it!  I still have a crush on my husband. The key is to continue to work to keep it that way.

I am curious, what makes you crush on your spouse?

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My Sexy Experiment With “The 4 Hour Body”!

I want to supercede this post by letting you know that I am not trying to be tawdry in any way, but I do feel that sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage.  So I can’t help but feel the need to share with you how date night went for me this week.  In one word, Unforgettable!

My husband is a big fan of Tim Ferriss, author of the “4 Hour Workweek”.  He talks about it all the time and asked for the extended audiobook for Christmas.   So when he told me that Tim Ferriss had come out with a new book called the “The 4 Hour Body”, I knew I needed to get it for him.

I came across it a few weeks ago while shopping.  It is enormous!   It would cause some serious damage if you were hit over the head with it.  I thought about putting it back on the shelf and walking away.  I mean, who wants to read that many pages on exercise and nutrition?  No thanks!  But, before I put it back I read the front cover and table of contents.   There is a whole chapter about improving sex.  I thought, “Okay this could be interesting.” So I bought it for the hubby.

Since the night I brought it home, a couple of weeks ago, Hubby has been reading it every day.  He is completely hooked.

Tim Ferriss is an interesting man.  He is a  master at self experimentation.  His book has very detailed descriptions on how to get the body that you desire with tried and true testimony from Tim himself.  It is fascinating really.

My husband wanted me to read a particular chapter that he found really interesting on using kettlebells in your exercise routine.  I had never even heard of a kettlebell, but I enjoyed the chapter enough to flip through the rest of the book to look at the other chapter titles.

There is a whole chapter on improving sex complete  with very detailed pictures, and that night just so happened to be date night.  Perfect!

So our date night consisted of my husband reading, out loud to me, that particular chapter.  But it wasn’t enough just to read it, we needed to test the theories.

Without going into too much detail, let me just say we had a wonderful date night. It was sexy, sweet, and highly surprising.  Unlike anything we have ever done before.

Don’t get me wrong, our sex life is awesome!  I am often shocked that after all these years I can still feel the passion that I do for my husband.  Neither of us feel lacking in any way.  However, what I learned from reading this book, and trying out the methods, is that there is always room for improvement.  How wonderful a feeling to realize that we love each other enough to want to get better at loving each other.  To try new positions, to talk about it, to make myself unbelievably vulnerable. It all served to bring us  closer.

In fact the next day, all I could think about was what happened the night before.  A little unusual for me.

I also learned that if Tim Ferriss was right about his sex theories, maybe I should pay attention to the other chapters.  I better run out and get those kettlebells, right now!

I strongly recommend to all couples, to try something new in the bedroom (or somewhere different for a change.)   Try a new position, a new technique, get a book, talk, get comfortable saying what you like and don’t like, and improve your skills.  Sex should never be boring.  It should always have an element of connection, passion and newness.

If you are needing a little spark in the bedroom or you are just feeling a little adventurous, I recommend picking up a copy of this book and head right to the chapter on improving sex.

Practice makes perfect!  Have fun.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Practice, practice, practice!

What Happens in Vegas . . .

I have escaped to Sin City.   You know the lights, the shows, the alcohol, the bad decisions?  Isn’t that what Vegas is all about?

Not for me.   I am miles from the strip,  with a stack of old movies, a plentiful supply of diet pepsi and enjoying absolute serenity.  I have run away to spend two days all by myself in a little condo at the base of Red Rock Canyon.

Why, you might ask?  I was desperate.  Quite literally desperate.  There are those times  in ones life when you must recognize the moment you are on the brink of loosing your mind.   If you don’t get a second of peace you are going to permanently turn into the Tasmanian Devil, destroying everything in your path.

It seems, in recent weeks, I have felt an unbearable feeling of being overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted.  Turning to tears for no apparant reason.  Snapping at my unsuspecting children while they stare wide eyed at what was once  their patient mother.  Let’s just say, a string of events and illnesses have taken their toll.   Sometimes, everything becomes too much.

One day, while sharing this with my husband, thru my tears, I  said, “I need a break.”  Those were not easy words to say outloud, but I did.

I need a few moments all to myself, to pull myself together and find my breath again.  Where no one needs me, or expects anything from me.  Where I can finish a magazine in one sitting.  Where I can make a choice based on what I want.  Where I can take a shower without interruption.

What????  Was I crazy?

According to my husband, I wasn’t.  He agreed.  He has watched as the patience and kindness that usually comes  easy to me, slowly came unraveled.  He said, “You’re right.  You do need a break.”

So we scheduled “me” time on the calendar.  I was to get a couple of days all to myself!  It felt like a dream.

But as the day came around for me to leave, I felt incredibly guilty.  How could I do this?  What was I going to do?  What would people think?

My bag was packed and I was ready to go, but my very dear friend Guilt, made it so hard to walk thru the door.  My husband had to practically push me to the car.

The second I pulled away from the house, though, I knew I had made the right decision.  I needed this.  A mini vacation for me.  To sleep, to walk, to write, to watch movies, to read.   To find the energy and passion that has eluded me for the last few months.

I realize that, to  some, I might sound like a very selfish person.  Going on a cruise with just my hubby.  Running away to Vegas by myself for a weekend.  But, as I get older I realize that the emotioanl health of myself and my marriage are key to my happiness as well as my children’s happiness.  I must take care of myself and my marriage in order to be the best wife and mother that I can be.   My happiness is key to the success and happiness of my family.  Whether it is hard to admit or not, it is true.

So here I am, staring at the beautiful Nevada desert, missing my family more that I thought possible, and reveling in the peace of the moment.  Feeling proud of myself  for recognizing what I needed, speaking up and taking action.   Soaking up the gratitude that I feel for my husband who pushed me out the door, for my children who bring sunshine to every day and for the ability to run away and find myself.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  make time to be all by yourself!

 

They Are Separating!

My husband and I have some very dear friends.  It is a couple that we met a long time ago when we were working at a camp.  We have been friends for at least 10 years.  Maybe you have friends like these.  They are the friends that have a child about the same age as our daughter.  They have a similar career path as we do.  We have rented summer condo’s together, gone to Disneyland,  had endless sleepovers for the kids. We have so much in common.   They have been a staple in our lives.  We adore them and have considered them our best friends for years.

Two weeks ago, I found out they were separating.  I had known that they were having a rough time, for a long time. I guess in the back of my mind I knew that they might not make it, but when the words were  said out loud, I was in shock.  Devastated actually.

How could this be?  I was crushed for them and for their little girl.  I know this decision did not come lightly and that they had done everything that they felt possible, to try to improve the marriage.

Here I was, staring at my dear friend, trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor and swallow back tears that were fighting to surface. 

Then inevitably, I started to think about me. I know, it is selfish, but I couldn’t help it.   How was this going to effect our friendship?  It was going to change the entire dynamic of it.  We were couple friends, if that makes sense.  We always did things together as families.  Is this going to reduce our friendship to only seeing one of them at a time for events that only involve the children?  Birthdays and pool parties?  I don’t know.  We haven’t talked about it. 

Actually, my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me about it at all yet.  It is too fresh and too painful.  I can understand that.  I will be here when she is ready.

The day I found out about their separation I looked at my husband from a different perspective.  After the news I looked and him and was overwhelmed with emotion.  I couln’t imagine my life without him.  I suddenly had this renewed commitment to put my marriage first.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that my friends didn’t do that.  I do not know the inner workings of their marriage and their situation is certainly not for me to judge.  Marriage is hard, and sometimes truly unfixable.  I get that. 

But life is full of lessons.   I cannot watch my friends go through the unimaginable without taking away a life lesson for myself. 

I have learned a lot about my marriage this past year.  The most important thing I have learned is that it requires constant nurturing.   The moments that I start to put it in second place are the times that we struggle most. 

 I like to think that I am on the path to  longevity in my marriage and I am reminded to do everything in my power to never reach the place where things are unfixable.

Sending love to my dear friends.  May you find the strength you need to get through this very difficult time.

Todays lesson in improving my marriage: Nurture it.