Learning to fight better, accept more, appreciate daily and stay in love with my husband

Archive for February, 2012

My Obscure Husband in Great Shoes

Will I ever grow to fully understand this man who I have chosen to spend my life with?  I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that the answer is a resounding, No!  He is an endless list of things that I may never get.

I will never understand how he can dismiss any exercise other than basketball as not excercise at all.  A jog, lifting weights, the elliptical machine.  None of that counts to him.  If it is not a 3 hour round with sweat, testosterone and fist pumps it is just not worth the calorie burn. 

Husband, “Tam, I’m gonna go to the gym to play basketball.”

Tam, “Okay, but didn’t you go for a jog this morning?”

Husband, “Yeah, but that doesn’t count.”  

 If it doesn’t count than why do it?  I don’t get it!

I will never understand how when we go on a trip, his shoes take up a suitcase of their own.  I am the woman.  Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Basketball shoes, jogging shoes, comfortable shoes, dress shoes,  same shoes in several colors.   What is it with him and his shoes?  He can’t pass a Sketchers or a  Foot Locker at the mall without feeling some serious regret.   A pair of flip-flops and tennis shoes and I am good to go.  

I will never understand how Husband can hop out of bed the second the alarm goes off after a mere 5 hours of sleep.  Are you kidding me?  Hit the snooze, will ya?  I am an 8 hour a night kind of girl, and even then, I drag myself out of bed feeling a deep sadness over leaving the warmth of the covers and the sweetness of the quiet.  Not husband!  Loud morning music and singing in the shower is how he wakes up with me begging him to turn it down.  I mean really, there is just something wrong with someone being that energetic in the morning. 

I will never understand why he can set out to lose 5 lbs and  reach is goal in 3 days.  What is going on here?  To lose that same 5 lbs it takes me two months and severe deprivation.  Okay, maybe not severe, but going two weeks without french fries is a travesty.  Truly. 

I will never understand how he can be asleep the second his head hits the pillow.  What is up with this?  I lay there twiddling my thumbs, bitter at his peaceful sleep, listening to his heavy breathing.  Why does he breathe so heavy anyway?  What is he dreaming about?  Is it me or Brooklyn Decker?  And if it is Brooklyn Decker, who can blame him anyway?  Did he say she was hot?  No, that was me.  She is so hot!  How does she get her hair so shiny and stay in such great shape?  Ugh!!!  Counting sheep, 1, 2, 3 . . .  Why is he breathing so heavy?

He will always be a bit of a mystery to me.  But, if I understood everything about him married life would be boring. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage : Figure out what he is dreaming about!


Caution: Rough Road Ahead

Why is it that the learning never ends?  The second you think you have got it all figured out, Wham!!!!  Guess what? You don’t!

It would be so nice if the road of marriage was similar to driving on the highway.  At least on the highway there are endless signs to warn you and prepare you for what is to come.

Marriage, not so much.  How nice that would be!

These past couple of weeks I wish there had a been a sign to warn me. Caution: Rough Road Ahead!  At least then I could grip the steering wheel and brace myself.

Here is the problem; the second that I start to get a little cocky thinking, ” I’ve got this.  I have this all figured out,”   I am smacked over the head with the realization that, frankly, I have a lot to learn.

Here is what I mean.  I can’t say what where it started or what exactly happened, but things between hubby and I have  just been off these past couple of weeks.  We find ourselves bickering and arguing regularly.  We can’t seem to dig our way out of this little ditch that we are in where the smallest things set each other off. 

I feel like I am a child, regressing back to all of my old behaviors.    Trying desperately to remember all of the things that I learned last year about fighting better, taking accountability for my actions, being appreciative.  It seems all that flew right out the window.  “What is going on?”, I scream to myself while hubby and I are delving into the same  arguments that have haunted us for years.  Didn’t I learn how to deal with this better?  Aren’t I better than this person that keeps pointing the finger away from herself?  It certainly hasn’t felt like it.

I can’t say what triggered this little rough patch.  It seemed things were moving along smoothly, then one argument leads to another and before I know it I am a 4-year-old in an adult body.

Here is what I realize when I step away and force myself to get some perspective;  rough roads are just part of the deal.  “In good times and in bad.”  It is not the end of the world, as it feels in the heat of the moment.   

I see now that these rough patches are a test.  Can I rise above? Can I put into play all of the things that I have learned about maintaining a healthy marriage, or do I run and hide?  

I will not hide! 

So, our last big argument 2 days ago, turns heated.  Me yelling and stomping upstairs and forgetting I am a grown up.  I take a moment to breathe and think, “Come on.  Our marriage is better than this.”  And even though it is hard when I am upset, I take  a moment to think about everything that has been working for us in the past.  All of the tools that I have learned to fight better.  Be a good listener, be accountable  (no finger-pointing), show appreciation, be understanding of where he is coming from, don’t yell, remember that I love this person that makes me crazy.

I put these tools into play and painlessly, the argument dies with apologies, hugs and a feeling that everything is going to be okay.  

Things are not back to perfect yet, but I have spent a lot of time thinking and  have realized that a significant key to being in a healthy marriage is to always know that the “light is on the other side of the tunnel.”  I have seen it!  I know it is there.  I just need to hold on to the wheel.  Be cautious, proactive and  loving and we will get to the other side.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Rough roads are inevitable, but take the scenic route whenever possible.