Learning to fight better, accept more, appreciate daily and stay in love with my husband

They Are Separating!

My husband and I have some very dear friends.  It is a couple that we met a long time ago when we were working at a camp.  We have been friends for at least 10 years.  Maybe you have friends like these.  They are the friends that have a child about the same age as our daughter.  They have a similar career path as we do.  We have rented summer condo’s together, gone to Disneyland,  had endless sleepovers for the kids. We have so much in common.   They have been a staple in our lives.  We adore them and have considered them our best friends for years.

Two weeks ago, I found out they were separating.  I had known that they were having a rough time, for a long time. I guess in the back of my mind I knew that they might not make it, but when the words were  said out loud, I was in shock.  Devastated actually.

How could this be?  I was crushed for them and for their little girl.  I know this decision did not come lightly and that they had done everything that they felt possible, to try to improve the marriage.

Here I was, staring at my dear friend, trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor and swallow back tears that were fighting to surface. 

Then inevitably, I started to think about me. I know, it is selfish, but I couldn’t help it.   How was this going to effect our friendship?  It was going to change the entire dynamic of it.  We were couple friends, if that makes sense.  We always did things together as families.  Is this going to reduce our friendship to only seeing one of them at a time for events that only involve the children?  Birthdays and pool parties?  I don’t know.  We haven’t talked about it. 

Actually, my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me about it at all yet.  It is too fresh and too painful.  I can understand that.  I will be here when she is ready.

The day I found out about their separation I looked at my husband from a different perspective.  After the news I looked and him and was overwhelmed with emotion.  I couln’t imagine my life without him.  I suddenly had this renewed commitment to put my marriage first.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that my friends didn’t do that.  I do not know the inner workings of their marriage and their situation is certainly not for me to judge.  Marriage is hard, and sometimes truly unfixable.  I get that. 

But life is full of lessons.   I cannot watch my friends go through the unimaginable without taking away a life lesson for myself. 

I have learned a lot about my marriage this past year.  The most important thing I have learned is that it requires constant nurturing.   The moments that I start to put it in second place are the times that we struggle most. 

 I like to think that I am on the path to  longevity in my marriage and I am reminded to do everything in my power to never reach the place where things are unfixable.

Sending love to my dear friends.  May you find the strength you need to get through this very difficult time.

Todays lesson in improving my marriage: Nurture it.

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Comments on: "They Are Separating!" (8)

  1. Over the years I’ve seen numerous friends, co-workers, and acquaintances give up on their marriages. One couple I knew both let the love die between them. When they made the decision to live in separate apartments, neither one of them resisted the thought.

    I can’t fathom letting my marriage die like that. My marriage is the highest priority relationship in my life. We grow closer, more fulfilled, more relaxed, more open, and more passionate about each other with each passing year.

    My heart goes out to marriages that are struggling. I think a greater majority of marriages could be saved if both individuals could forgive, let go of resentments, and truly learn about their partner to love them they way they want to be loved.

    I pray for your friends… and that those reading this story will not take their spouses for granted.

  2. I hear you Tammy, my thoughts are always the same … it causes me to have a renewed sense of determination to make it work, and to keep myself second to that of my marriage.

    In fact, just last night I was saying to my husband, can you imagine if I had actually carried through on leaving you (I tried to leave 3 times; he tried to leave 1 time) … we would be missing this great harvest we are experiencing in our marriage right now! How awful it would have been to give up … we both agreed it is worth (100 times over) duking it out through those hateful seasons in the cold of selfishness, no matter how bloody it gets (metaphorically speaking) between the two of you.

    • Congrats on sticking with it long enough to get to the really good stuff. I know that there are endless trials ahead in my marriage, but I feel that I have seen the light. And I hope that no matter how dark it gets, I can follow the light to the other side.

  3. I think a fear of divorce is something that all married couples now carry at the back of their minds. We may have a culture that is less restrictive than it was fifty years ago (for good and ill), but there is also a taint of anxiety in the air that wasn’t there before. People are always in flux and will, of course, change after marriage, but it terrifies me to think that I may wake up one day and not recognize my husband as the man I married.

  4. I can totally understand your feelings here. We have had numerous friends and family members, just within the last 2 years, get divorced and it’s kinda scary…especially when they are close friends. It really does make you think about where your own marriage is at and what you can do to improve it and make it better. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that although my husband isn’t perfect, he’s perfect for me…that always helps me put our fights and arguements into perspective, ’cause he’s the only one I’d want to fight with 🙂

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