The Alien in My Bed

I am beginning to think that men really are from Mars.  I find it fascinating that after nearly 14 years of marriage and over 23 years together, my husband is still alien to me.

I have been in a very strange depressive funk this week.  Something fairly rare to me.  I am usually a pretty easy going and predictable person.  That was not the case this week.

My body hurts and it has taken a mental toll.  I have been at a one woman pity party for the past 7 days.  It is bizarre to me.  To not feel like myself.  To not even feel human.  I feel out of my body, looking down at some woman I don’t recognize.  It is weird and a little freaky.

If it is freaky to me, you can only imagine how my husband has taken it.  He thinks I have been abducted and replaced with some overly emotional negative being that looks a little like his wife.

Through this week, I have learned something about my husband.  He is a fixer.  I think it is a man thing.  The second something is awry  he feels the need to make it right as fast as possible.  I can respect and appreciate that about him.

But sometimes,  things don’t need to be fixed, they just need a hug.

In one of my self pity rants I start crying about how my body is not what I want it to be.  How I feel enormous and unattractive.  My husband immediately goes into details of what excercise I should be doing or how I should cut out soda.

In response, my eyes bugged out and I felt my head start to spin.  I yell at him, “I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen.”

I might as well have been talking Greek.  I could see him thinking, “What do you mean don’t fix it?  That is what I do.  If I am not supposed to fix it, then what the hell am I supposed to do? Just sit here and listen to you bitch and moan?”

YES!!!!

I admit, I have been a royal pain in the butt this week.  Something I can ‘t really explain, but I know it has taken it’s toll on my husband and my relationship.

Over the weekend, he decided to brave the rough waters and broach the subject again.  Basically, what is going on with me and where is his wife?

I told him talking to him is hard because he is not a very good listener.  Hurtful to him, but truly how I felt in that moment.  He just wants to fix it and that pisses me off.

After going back and forth about it for about an hour and feeling like this is not going anywhere, he decided to try a different approach.  He came over and put his arms around me.

The second he did that, the flood gates opened.

I crumbled into a sobbing mess and he just held me.  He didn’t offer an opinion or a get better tip.  He just held me quietly and let it all come out.  I won’t tell you how ridiculous I sounded.  Let’s just say it was not one of most shining moments.

But, I was so greatful in that moment.  To have such a wonderful husband that could still love me and try to give me what I needed even though I was mean to him and spoke in a language he didn’t understand.   Really who could blame him for not understanding how to handle someone like me.  I can’t even handle me.

But through it all, I have learned to be clear about what it is that I need.  I think he has learned that sometimes trying to fix it won’t help.  Listening can offer it’s own fix.  Feeling heard and supported is a valuable gift.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Maybe it is not my husband who is alien, but ME!!!!!   Poor guy.

Don’t Cry Over Loosing a Tooth

Sometimes life’s lessons come from the most unexpected places.  That was the case for me this week.

One lesson learned was at Panera, during one of my writing sessions.  In a place such as that it is hard to ignore what is being said at the table next to you.  I promise I wasn’t purposefully eavesdropping, but sometimes the ears just hone in on a conversation without really realizing it.

I don’t remember what the conversation was about, but I do remember the man at the table saying, “I’ve learned to lower my expectations.  It is much easier to go through life that way.”

I was stunned by the comment and felt an incredible sadness for the man and what he might have experienced in life that caused him to have such a defeating outlook.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t disagree more.

I couldn’t imagine having this attitude toward my life.  If I didn’t have high expectations, life certainly wouldn’t be as rewarding as it is.

In my marriage, I have very high expectations.  Do they get let down sometimes?  Absolutely! But because I expect so much, I work hard to achieve all that I hope for. Expectations and hope give me the drive to work at things to make them better.

All I could think was, I don’t ever want to be a person who sits in Panera and shares how low my expectations for life are.  Expectations are what drive us to greatness. I want greatness!

Another lesson came from my 9 year-old daughter.  She lost her second molar, in a week, a couple of days ago.  When she came out of the bathroom holding her tooth, this is how the conversation went.

Mom, “Wow, My baby girl is loosing all of her teeth.”

Girl, vehemently shakes her hear and says, “No, I don’t want to.”

Mom,” Why not?”

Girl,” Because I want to make it last.”

Mom, “What do you mean, you want to make it last?”

Girl,” I don’t want to grow up.”

Mom, “Well you still have several years left of being a kid.”

Girl,  in tears, ” I know, but this year I am going to be in double digits!”

She proceeded to tell me how she loved being a kid and didn’t want to be  a grown up, because kids get to do things that grown ups can’t do.

I was all choked up.  I couldn’t help but think, either I am doing an awesome job as a Mom because my daughter is enjoying her childhood so much, or I am doing a lousy job as an adult, because my daughter dreads the day it is her turn.  My guess is a little of both are true.

Being a Mom, naturally full of guilt, I couldn’t help but focus on the latter.  Do I portray adulthood as so bad?  Maybe.  She sees me constantly on the computer working. She sees my fatigue and short temper at the end of the day.  She sees me struggle to make time for play. She sees the endless  and dreaded chores.  She sees me trying to balance finances.  She hears me argue with her Daddy.

It is haunting to think about how she sees my life, a mirror as to how my husband and son see me.  How I see me.

I am far too often wrapped up in life that I forget I have two little admirers taking notes.  Showing struggle and resolution is important, but more important is showing the joy.  I feel it inside, but am certain I don’t express it as I should.

I want her to imagine the beauty of adulthood.  Falling in love, parenting, freedom.  I am certain that I don’t show the affection I feel toward my husband often enough in front of her.  Maybe if I did, she wouldn’t fear adulthood like she does.

It is quite apparent that I need to lighten up.  Stop making life so hard.  Show the joy and affection in my marriage so that my daughter can look forward to experiencing that for herself one day.   Express  and point out the joys in life, rather than just the struggles.

Maybe, I just looked too far to into it.  I mean, who doesn’t wish to still be a kid?  Free of worry and stress?  But, being an adult sure has its perks too!

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Don’t forget you can learn a thing or two from strangers and 9 year olds.

A Moment In Time

I spend a lot of minutes thinking about “time.” Such a precious yet fleeting word.

I think about how there never seems to be enough of it. I seem to say, “I don’t have enough time,” on a daily basis.

I don’t have time to excercise. I don’t have time to write. I don’t have time to work. I don’t have time to play.

I think about my children. How time has robbed me of the baby years. How much longer will my daughter hold my hand crossing the street or want me to brush her hair? How much longer will I be able to pick up my son or sing him a bedtime song?

I think of my dad. How his 83 years are creeping up on him. How his body is slower than it used to be. How he can’t hear me as well as he used to. How much longer will he be here to meet me for breakfast or to cry at special events?

I think of my mom. How she will be turning 70 next year. How does that feel to reach such milestones? To know that what lies ahead is far less than what is left behind.

I think of my husband’s grandmother who died a few weeks back. How she had lived 40 years after her husband had died. She had had enough time. Time was far too long.

I think of my husband. How his hair is beginning to have more grey than brown. How his knees betray him on the basketball court. How beautiful it is to watch him grow older. What a precious gift to share with him.

I think of how I would give anything for time to slow down. How it flies by so fast it feels like sand through my fingers. If time did slow, would I notice? Would I then stop to take it all in? Would I then find a balance in work, love, family, play? Would I then be able do the things I have always wanted to do, but didn’t have the time for? Would I exercise or call my mom more?

What a precious commodity, time. What would we pay to have more of it? If we did have more, would we use it wisely?

Recent movies and a very vivid dream that I had, have reminded me that there will come a time when my parents are no longer here, when my children are grown and gone, and when I will loose my husband or he will loose me. Right here and now are the best days of my life.

Time . . . even if I was given more, it would never be enough. How could there ever be enough time to cuddle with my husband? To read to my children? To watch them play? To cook with my mom or chat with my dad? There could never be enough time.

Time. . . so incredibly precious. So, I will hold tighter to the time I have and be present in the moments that pass. I must make a conscious effort to make the time for the things that I love. Time will not make it for me. Moments are only here once. Each is a gift. An unbelievably precious gift. How blessed I am with time.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage: Stop saying “I don’t have time.” I do. Right here and now.

Thank You!

It is funny how there are times in your life when things just click. When you find something, that you didn’t really know was missing that fills a hole that you didn’t really know was there. That is what blogging has been to me. I feel blessed to have come across this wonderful community of people who are supportive and giving.

As many of you did, I started blogging to fill a nagging need I had to write and to share my experiences.  I hoped that someone might read it, appreciate it, and learn from it,  but I wasn’t overly optimistic.  I just wanted to write.

Here I am, 5 months later and so happy I wrote that first post on my birthday.

I wanted to say a very special thank you to Dounia, lovely writer of the blog Next Stop, a beautifully written blog about nature and life from the view of a third culture kid.   I also want to thank Sarah from the blog Anything But Academia, a fantastic blog about a doctoral student trying to take the time to focus on “anything but academia.”  I know I am a little late on these thank you’s, so I apologize for that, but I am very grateful to you both for nominating my blog for the Versatile Blogger award.  It means so much that someone not only took the time to read my blog, but also appreciated what I wrote.

As most of you know, once nominated for this award you are to tell 7 things about yourself.  So here it goes:

Hello, my name is Tammy and I am an addict.  I am completely addicted to Diet Pepsi.  It is one of the true pleasures in life,  an ice-cold Diet Pepsi from tap.  I know, not one of the healthiest things in the world, but I figure it could be worse.  At least there are no calories, that makes it okay . . . right?

I love to dance.  I have been taking dance classes for many years.  Even though, I am now the oldest person in the class, I try not to let that deter me.  Someday, I will be able to do a full split. I will! I will!

I have a recurring fantasy of sitting on a subway ( even though there aren’t any where I live) and I look over to the woman sitting next to me and she is reading a book that I wrote!  Wouldn’t that just be the ultimate?

I love to cuddle up with a good book.  There is little that compares to snuggling in a warm blanket with “The Art of Racing in the Rain.”

I judge all mexican restaurants by their salsa.  No restaurant is worth talking about if they don’t have good salsa, right?  Don’t go claiming to have the best tacos in town if you don’t have a killer salsa to drown my chips in.  I am thinking El Ranchero for lunch.  Now that is good salsa!

I am a total sucker for a great chick flick.  I have been known to watch the same movie so many times I know if by heart.  My recent go to is “Just Go With It.”  It just doesn’t get better than Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston.  Ok, maybe it does, but nevertheless I love it!

I have a near paralyzing fear of flying.  To get me on a plane, I need to have a significant amount of Zanax in me so I can black out and wake up when it is over.

As a result of this award it is also my duty to nominate 15 other blogs for the same award.  Since I still have yet to follow that many blogs myself, I will do this one in chunks.  Here are a few of my favorite blogs:

The Smart Cookie Cook –   I don’t know how she does it, but this woman posts a recipe nearly every day!  Not only is it full of recipes, but I have tried several of them with great success!

MommySaidASwearWord – A wonderfully honest, funny and well written blog about life, love and parenting.

Jenny Is Wright – Jenny is a wonderful photographer and writer that has a funny and witty sense to her writing about whatever strikes her fancy.

Mostly Bright Ideas – Charles is by far one of the best writers I have come across.  His random thoughts make me think and laugh out loud.

Raising My Rainbow – An absolutely beautiful blog about raising a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son.

Cheers to the wonderful world of blogging!

My Obscure Husband in Great Shoes

Will I ever grow to fully understand this man who I have chosen to spend my life with?  I am beginning to come to grips with the fact that the answer is a resounding, No!  He is an endless list of things that I may never get.

I will never understand how he can dismiss any exercise other than basketball as not excercise at all.  A jog, lifting weights, the elliptical machine.  None of that counts to him.  If it is not a 3 hour round with sweat, testosterone and fist pumps it is just not worth the calorie burn. 

Husband, “Tam, I’m gonna go to the gym to play basketball.”

Tam, “Okay, but didn’t you go for a jog this morning?”

Husband, “Yeah, but that doesn’t count.”  

 If it doesn’t count than why do it?  I don’t get it!

I will never understand how when we go on a trip, his shoes take up a suitcase of their own.  I am the woman.  Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Basketball shoes, jogging shoes, comfortable shoes, dress shoes,  same shoes in several colors.   What is it with him and his shoes?  He can’t pass a Sketchers or a  Foot Locker at the mall without feeling some serious regret.   A pair of flip-flops and tennis shoes and I am good to go.  

I will never understand how Husband can hop out of bed the second the alarm goes off after a mere 5 hours of sleep.  Are you kidding me?  Hit the snooze, will ya?  I am an 8 hour a night kind of girl, and even then, I drag myself out of bed feeling a deep sadness over leaving the warmth of the covers and the sweetness of the quiet.  Not husband!  Loud morning music and singing in the shower is how he wakes up with me begging him to turn it down.  I mean really, there is just something wrong with someone being that energetic in the morning. 

I will never understand why he can set out to lose 5 lbs and  reach is goal in 3 days.  What is going on here?  To lose that same 5 lbs it takes me two months and severe deprivation.  Okay, maybe not severe, but going two weeks without french fries is a travesty.  Truly. 

I will never understand how he can be asleep the second his head hits the pillow.  What is up with this?  I lay there twiddling my thumbs, bitter at his peaceful sleep, listening to his heavy breathing.  Why does he breathe so heavy anyway?  What is he dreaming about?  Is it me or Brooklyn Decker?  And if it is Brooklyn Decker, who can blame him anyway?  Did he say she was hot?  No, that was me.  She is so hot!  How does she get her hair so shiny and stay in such great shape?  Ugh!!!  Counting sheep, 1, 2, 3 . . .  Why is he breathing so heavy?

He will always be a bit of a mystery to me.  But, if I understood everything about him married life would be boring. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage : Figure out what he is dreaming about!

Caution: Rough Road Ahead

Why is it that the learning never ends?  The second you think you have got it all figured out, Wham!!!!  Guess what? You don’t!

It would be so nice if the road of marriage was similar to driving on the highway.  At least on the highway there are endless signs to warn you and prepare you for what is to come.

Marriage, not so much.  How nice that would be!

These past couple of weeks I wish there had a been a sign to warn me. Caution: Rough Road Ahead!  At least then I could grip the steering wheel and brace myself.

Here is the problem; the second that I start to get a little cocky thinking, ” I’ve got this.  I have this all figured out,”   I am smacked over the head with the realization that, frankly, I have a lot to learn.

Here is what I mean.  I can’t say what where it started or what exactly happened, but things between hubby and I have  just been off these past couple of weeks.  We find ourselves bickering and arguing regularly.  We can’t seem to dig our way out of this little ditch that we are in where the smallest things set each other off. 

I feel like I am a child, regressing back to all of my old behaviors.    Trying desperately to remember all of the things that I learned last year about fighting better, taking accountability for my actions, being appreciative.  It seems all that flew right out the window.  “What is going on?”, I scream to myself while hubby and I are delving into the same  arguments that have haunted us for years.  Didn’t I learn how to deal with this better?  Aren’t I better than this person that keeps pointing the finger away from herself?  It certainly hasn’t felt like it.

I can’t say what triggered this little rough patch.  It seemed things were moving along smoothly, then one argument leads to another and before I know it I am a 4-year-old in an adult body.

Here is what I realize when I step away and force myself to get some perspective;  rough roads are just part of the deal.  “In good times and in bad.”  It is not the end of the world, as it feels in the heat of the moment.   

I see now that these rough patches are a test.  Can I rise above? Can I put into play all of the things that I have learned about maintaining a healthy marriage, or do I run and hide?  

I will not hide! 

So, our last big argument 2 days ago, turns heated.  Me yelling and stomping upstairs and forgetting I am a grown up.  I take a moment to breathe and think, “Come on.  Our marriage is better than this.”  And even though it is hard when I am upset, I take  a moment to think about everything that has been working for us in the past.  All of the tools that I have learned to fight better.  Be a good listener, be accountable  (no finger-pointing), show appreciation, be understanding of where he is coming from, don’t yell, remember that I love this person that makes me crazy.

I put these tools into play and painlessly, the argument dies with apologies, hugs and a feeling that everything is going to be okay.  

Things are not back to perfect yet, but I have spent a lot of time thinking and  have realized that a significant key to being in a healthy marriage is to always know that the “light is on the other side of the tunnel.”  I have seen it!  I know it is there.  I just need to hold on to the wheel.  Be cautious, proactive and  loving and we will get to the other side.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Rough roads are inevitable, but take the scenic route whenever possible.

My Sexy Experiment With “The 4 Hour Body”!

I want to supercede this post by letting you know that I am not trying to be tawdry in any way, but I do feel that sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage.  So I can’t help but feel the need to share with you how date night went for me this week.  In one word, Unforgettable!

My husband is a big fan of Tim Ferriss, author of the “4 Hour Workweek”.  He talks about it all the time and asked for the extended audiobook for Christmas.   So when he told me that Tim Ferriss had come out with a new book called the 4 Hour Body, I knew I needed to get it for him. 

I came across it a few weeks ago while shopping.  It is enormous!   It would cause some serious damage if you were hit over the head with it.  I thought about putting it back on the shelf and walking away.  I mean, who wants to read that many pages on exercise and nutrition?  No thanks!  But, before I put it back I read the front cover and table of contents.   There is a whole chapter about improving sex.  I thought, “Okay this could be interesting.” So I bought it for the hubby. 

Since the night I brought it home, a couple of weeks ago, Hubby has been reading it every day.  He is completely hooked.

Tim Ferriss is an interesting man.  He is a  master at self experimentation.  His book has very detailed descriptions on how to get the body that you desire with tried and true testimony from Tim himself.  It is fascinating really.

My husband wanted me to read a particular chapter that he found really interesting on using kettlebells in your exercise routine.  I had never even heard of a kettlebell, but I enjoyed the chapter enough to flip through the rest of the book to look at the other chapter titles. 

There is a whole chapter on improving sex complete  with very detailed pictures, and that night just so happened to be date night.  Perfect!

So our date night consisted of my husband reading, out loud to me, that particular chapter.  But it wasn’t enough just to read it, we needed to test the theories. 

Without going into too much detail, let me just say we had a wonderful date night. It was sexy, sweet, and highly surprising.  Unlike anything we have ever done before. 

Don’t get me wrong, our sex life is awesome!  I am often shocked that after all these years I can still feel the passion that I do for my husband.  Neither of us feel lacking in any way.  However, what I learned from reading this book, and trying out the methods, is that there is always room for improvement.  How wonderful a feeling to realize that we love each other enough to want to get better at loving each other.  To try new positions, to talk about it, to make myself unbelievably vulnerable. It all served to bring us  closer.

In fact the next day, all I could think about was what happened the night before.  A little unusual for me.

I also learned that if Tim Ferriss was right about his sex theories, maybe I should pay attention to the other chapters.  I better run out and get those kettlebells, right now!

I strongly recommend to all couples, to try something new in the bedroom (or somewhere different for a change.)   Try a new position, a new technique, get a book, talk, get comfortable saying what you like and don’t like, and improve your skills.  Sex should never be boring.  It should always have an element of connection, passion and newness.   

If you are needing a little spark in the bedroom or you are just feeling a little adventurous, I recommend picking up a copy of this book and head right to the chapter on improving sex.

Practice makes perfect!  Have fun.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  Practice, practice, practice!

What Happens in Vegas . . .

I have escaped to Sin City.   You know the lights, the shows, the alcohol, the bad decisions?  Isn’t that what Vegas is all about?

Not for me.   I am miles from the strip,  with a stack of old movies, a plentiful supply of diet pepsi and enjoying absolute serenity.  I have run away to spend two days all by myself in a little condo at the base of Red Rock Canyon.

Why, you might ask?  I was desperate.  Quite literally desperate.  There are those times  in ones life when you must recognize the moment you are on the brink of loosing your mind.   If you don’t get a second of peace you are going to permanently turn into the Tasmanian Devil, destroying everything in your path.

It seems, in recent weeks, I have felt an unbearable feeling of being overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted.  Turning to tears for no apparant reason.  Snapping at my unsuspecting children while they stare wide eyed at what was once  their patient mother.  Let’s just say, a string of events and illnesses have taken their toll.   Sometimes, everything becomes too much.

One day, while sharing this with my husband, thru my tears, I  said, “I need a break.”  Those were not easy words to say outloud, but I did.

I need a few moments all to myself, to pull myself together and find my breath again.  Where no one needs me, or expects anything from me.  Where I can finish a magazine in one sitting.  Where I can make a choice based on what I want.  Where I can take a shower without interruption.

What????  Was I crazy?

According to my husband, I wasn’t.  He agreed.  He has watched as the patience and kindness that usually comes  easy to me, slowly came unraveled.  He said, “You’re right.  You do need a break.”

So we scheduled “me” time on the calendar.  I was to get a couple of days all to myself!  It felt like a dream.

But as the day came around for me to leave, I felt incredibly guilty.  How could I do this?  What was I going to do?  What would people think?

My bag was packed and I was ready to go, but my very dear friend Guilt, made it so hard to walk thru the door.  My husband had to practically push me to the car.

The second I pulled away from the house, though, I knew I had made the right decision.  I needed this.  A mini vacation for me.  To sleep, to walk, to write, to watch movies, to read.   To find the energy and passion that has eluded me for the last few months.

I realize that, to  some, I might sound like a very selfish person.  Going on a cruise with just my hubby.  Running away to Vegas by myself for a weekend.  But, as I get older I realize that the emotioanl health of myself and my marriage are key to my happiness as well as my children’s happiness.  I must take care of myself and my marriage in order to be the best wife and mother that I can be.   My happiness is key to the success and happiness of my family.  Whether it is hard to admit or not, it is true.

So here I am, staring at the beautiful Nevada desert, missing my family more that I thought possible, and reveling in the peace of the moment.  Feeling proud of myself  for recognizing what I needed, speaking up and taking action.   Soaking up the gratitude that I feel for my husband who pushed me out the door, for my children who bring sunshine to every day and for the ability to run away and find myself.

Today’s lesson in improving my marriage:  make time to be all by yourself!

 

They Are Separating!

My husband and I have some very dear friends.  It is a couple that we met a long time ago when we were working at a camp.  We have been friends for at least 10 years.  Maybe you have friends like these.  They are the friends that have a child about the same age as our daughter.  They have a similar career path as we do.  We have rented summer condo’s together, gone to Disneyland,  had endless sleepovers for the kids. We have so much in common.   They have been a staple in our lives.  We adore them and have considered them our best friends for years.

Two weeks ago, I found out they were separating.  I had known that they were having a rough time, for a long time. I guess in the back of my mind I knew that they might not make it, but when the words were  said out loud, I was in shock.  Devastated actually.

How could this be?  I was crushed for them and for their little girl.  I know this decision did not come lightly and that they had done everything that they felt possible, to try to improve the marriage.

Here I was, staring at my dear friend, trying to pick my jaw up off of the floor and swallow back tears that were fighting to surface. 

Then inevitably, I started to think about me. I know, it is selfish, but I couldn’t help it.   How was this going to effect our friendship?  It was going to change the entire dynamic of it.  We were couple friends, if that makes sense.  We always did things together as families.  Is this going to reduce our friendship to only seeing one of them at a time for events that only involve the children?  Birthdays and pool parties?  I don’t know.  We haven’t talked about it. 

Actually, my girlfriend hasn’t talked to me about it at all yet.  It is too fresh and too painful.  I can understand that.  I will be here when she is ready.

The day I found out about their separation I looked at my husband from a different perspective.  After the news I looked and him and was overwhelmed with emotion.  I couln’t imagine my life without him.  I suddenly had this renewed commitment to put my marriage first.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that my friends didn’t do that.  I do not know the inner workings of their marriage and their situation is certainly not for me to judge.  Marriage is hard, and sometimes truly unfixable.  I get that. 

But life is full of lessons.   I cannot watch my friends go through the unimaginable without taking away a life lesson for myself. 

I have learned a lot about my marriage this past year.  The most important thing I have learned is that it requires constant nurturing.   The moments that I start to put it in second place are the times that we struggle most. 

 I like to think that I am on the path to  longevity in my marriage and I am reminded to do everything in my power to never reach the place where things are unfixable.

Sending love to my dear friends.  May you find the strength you need to get through this very difficult time.

Todays lesson in improving my marriage: Nurture it.

Run Away With Me

Last December I learned the value taking some time away with my husband.  Amongst the madness of the holiday season, my husband and I put it all aside for 5 days and  ran away together.  We went on a cruise to Cabo San Lucas.   Just the two of us.

For some parents this might seem unheard of,  wrong in their eyes even.  To leave the kids behind for 5 days and be completely selfish.  I have to admit, I felt incredibly guilty at first.  Something that comes rather easy to me, guilt. 

Heading off to have a wonderful time without the kiddos, during the busiest time of the year, leaving work, kids, dog  and responsibility in the very capable and willing hands of our parents.  It was too selfish right?  Definitely!  But, I did it anyway.

Last year at this time, my husband and I were not in the greatest place.  It had been a long year of trying to find our way back to connection, romance, wanting to fall in love again.  It had been a struggle.  Probably the toughest year of our marriage.  We felt desperate for time away together.  I couldn’t wait to get him away from his phone and computer and he couldn’t wait to have the attention that I usually devoted to the kids, all to himself.

Let me tell you the great thing about a cruise.  There is no distractions.  No where to go.  No schedule to adhere too (unless you are like me and can’t resist being a spectator at  the Hairy Chest Competition.  I had to see that one for my own eyes!) No computer.  No cell phone. Ok well, they have these, it just costs a small fortune to use them.  This was one time that my husband’s desire to save every penny completely worked to my benefit.

The days on the cruise are filled with sunshine, endless ocean, romantic dinners, delicious food and peace and quiet.  Maybe if you have been on a cruise you would not agree, but for us, it was sheer magic.  Five whole days of magic.

It was during that time that I remembered all of those things that I love about my husband.  All those things that are so hard to find in the normal day-to-day life.  Between kids, fatigue, work, obligations, it is easy to lose sight. 

Suddenly, I have his complete attention.  We stared at each other over dessert.  We laughed.  We watched the sunset.  We watched endless movies.  We held each other and watched the ocean outside of our balcony. We had more sex than we had in the last 2 months put together.  We, quite literally, couldn’t keep our hands off of each other.  Who were these people? 

 We fell in love . . . again.

It, quite honestly, put us back on track.  It was there that we vowed to make our marriage first again.  To take important steps to make sure that some of that magic that we found on the high seas, lasted all year. 

Guess what!  It did.  This was the best year in the life of our marriage.   Amid all of the chaos of health issues, surgeries, family illness, children, insane work schedules, travel, we held it together like never before.  Don’t get me wrong, this year took a lot of day-to-day work to maintain the connection.  Five days in heaven can’t make a marriage last, but it definitely doesn’t hurt.

We believed so much in the power of the cruise, that we did it again this year.  This month we cashed in our American Express bonus points and headed back to Cabo.  Again, magic.  I feel ready to tackle a new year with my husband by my side.  We  found passion, connection, romance.  It is a beautiful thing.

Now, I do realize that  a cruise is not necessarily an easy thing to run off and do  for many people.  I happen to live by 2 major cruise ship ports.  That, however, is not the point. The point is to find your way back to each other by leaving everything  else behind.  Even if just for a couple of days.  Whatever you can manage. 

Don’t think I am an awful person for leaving behind the kids while I go have the time of my life.  We do a family vacation every year as well, but I belive that my husband and I have started a new  tradition of an annual lovers vacation.  Ok sounds corny, but whatever.  That is what it is.  A journey back to love.  And it is awesome!!!

Today’s lesson to a better marriage:  Run away together